Self-esteem. A bit of a personal rant.

Hello there, my sweethearts, I know I promised to continue Paris but writing about it and looking over all the pictures is making me pitifully nostalgic if I could beam myself back there I would. In a heartbeat. However, I promise to finish it and all some lovely, atmospheric snaps, cross my heart. In the meantime, I thought I would just fill you in with what is going on in my head today. My mind over the past few days has been preoccupied mostly with envy and body-image.

As you all know I have just started a YouTube channel and it scares the absolute crap out of me, all of my self-esteem issues have suddenly just rushed to the fore and I am scared people will rip me to shreds. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there so I admire anyone who can do it with the confidence and grace I have seen from some YouTubers. I look upon you with awe. And envy.

I am sure we all get it, when you're scrolling through your news feed, or passing people by in the street or even when you're having a much-needed catch-up with your friends. At least for me, I am not ashamed to admit that I get a little jealous sometimes, not in a cruel way, but I have constantly been the type of person who sees one good thing in everybody. You name any person on the planet and I would be able to find a good quality or feature that I could ascribe to them and that's not due to being born in a cripplingly polite household (the opposite actually) but simply because I believe it. I might have high standards when it comes to looks but I have never found anybody on the planet, even those few people that I dislike, ugly.

Getting back on topic though, as a psychologist, this envy intrigues me greatly. It baffles me when I realise other people feel it too. For me, because I know my own mind better than anyone else's, I can to an extent pinpoint my issues. I have always been insecure, whether it be because I wear glasses, or am naturally shy, and not nearly as confident as the people I surround myself with I genuinely have no idea. I just know that when I look in the mirror, I don't think there is a single part of me I wouldn't change if I could. I am not talking anything drastic, I would never go under the knife for fear they would muck up irreversibly and I would end up with half a nose or something. Rather, little things, like my elder sister has really big eyes, lovely, bold and brown, and they are the first things you would notice about her. I have always been a little envious of this, and in the same vein my little brother has outrageously long eyelashes which I would love to be the owner of myself. It takes me several coats of Chanel mascara to have the same effect.

You see, they aren't big things and I know it's been reiterated that as humans we are simply programmed to want what we can't have at all times, but I am not buying it. I feel like I have met people who seem perfectly comfortable and at home in their skin and that is a feeling I envy most of all. When you think of all the time wasted wishing you were someone else with clearer skin, bigger eyes, longer lashes and legs, it's actually quite ludicrous. I have no idea how to change it though, whenever I am depressed I seem to dwell on these things and of course I get a little upset until in despair when I come to the realisation over and over again that lamenting it isn't going to change anything I get fed up and declare that I am over it.

This bugs me, this endless cycle, because I know I wasn't always like this, as a child I was as uninterested in looks as my father is in MAC cosmetics, I couldn't have cared less, I thought it was obscene the amount of money people fritter away carelessly on fancy designer garments and high-end cosmetics. Evidently all this has changed and I think it's quite beautiful in a way, the confidence a lipstick or mascara can give you, yes it's superficial but if it makes you feel good and you aren't hurting anyone, what is the harm. No one can begrudge you that happiness, temporary though it may be. I got to the point where I was ruminating over how unexpected my shift in attitude towards appearance altered so drastically and I think I finally pinpointed it.

 One day in class, I was about nine or ten years olds. The teacher asked us to write five things we liked about ourselves, at this time I was already having trouble. I have always been smart, not so much now, but as a kid the simple stuff like fractions and addition, multiplication, reading etc came as easy to me as breathing so I tended to find school quite boring. I wasn't gifted or anything, I just spent a lot of time with my older sister and it seemed to have paid off without either of us noticing. Around this time my Great Grandfather died and although it wasn't utterly unexpected considering his age it knocked me for six, this was the first time I had ever been confronted with mortality and it terrified me. I just wanted to know where he was and I started to get a little anxious and restless at school so I would usually just stay at home or go to my Nan's when I could. This day though I was there, and at first I struggled to complete the assignment, but eventually I wrote down a few things, like my hair and teeth, my eyes were okay but I didn't have good eyesight so I reluctantly put that down as my third thing. And then I was stuck, hopelessly stuck, I just couldn't think of anything, it was pathetic but I was having a serious crisis of confidence. It wasn't just aesthetics, I couldn't name anything I liked about my personality either and it shattered what little self-liking I had.

I know now that's silly, but at the time it felt like a major deal and as soon as I got home I hid under my Dad's arm reassuring myself that it didn't matter if I was unattractive and uninteresting my parents loved me unconditionally. Luckily as I grew up, I started to notice that other people had their own confidence issues, everyone has areas which they are not totally pleased with, that is just life. I can't say I won't ever feel that way again, because as an insomniac I think obsessively when I can't sleep and just start listing things I want to change or improve about myself as a person and on one hand that is good, it pushes me to keep becoming a better person because I know I could do so much more. But on the darker hand, it can sometimes be soul destroying and extinguish any love you have for yourself. It can be positive to be critical but don't over do it.

I have never in my life wholly admitted to someone even the people closest to me in this world about my self esteem issues. Once when I was drunk in the first term of university and upset about something I spoke to a good friend a little about it and she basically told me I was being ridiculous. That was good in the sense it made me snap out of it, I liked her and wanted her to be my friend so I just brushed whatever was bothering me under the carpet I didn't want her to think I was making stuff up for attention or that I was pathetic (which admittedly after reading this post I am starting to feel like it haha). But alternatively, we meet so many people and judge them instantly. Label them as people who have always got what they wanted and have never had anything bad happen to them at all. And that is what is ridiculous, someone tweeted me saying that "The brightest smiles often hold the saddest secrets" which is a more poetic way of saying "Don't judge a book by its cover". Everyone's feelings are valid.

So please, promise me, that if anyone ever confides in you about anything to do with their body-image or self-esteem or really anything personal, just hear them out. Sometimes all anyone needs is someone who will listen and maybe offer up a hug and a hot drink afterwards. It's not hard. And remember that even though maybe you don't like what you have, someone out there will. We are all unique and are tastes are so varied, so in the end everything will be okay and if i have depressed you immensely with my tirade please watch an episode of The Simpsons and just forget I ever said anything. Thank you guys.

In My Shoes: Thrice is The Charm

I am aware this is starting to read like a diary, so I'll keep it short as that wasn't my intention and hopefully my Sigma palette will arrive imminently and I can deflect attention onto that. I am so excited. The shoes in the picture are wedge trainers purchased from Primark for £18. I love Primark, it's three storeys of heaven. I picked them up because they were quite funky and I have no shoes like them. So today I went to this thing called Pop! which is something that goes on in the Copper Rooms here at Warwick university 7pm till 2am, the idea is you go circling (which if you are not familiar with the term is playing a whole load of drinking games with the goal being to get as hammered as possible, it can get pretty brutal) usually with societies, so I went with Mixed Netball, some of my friends go with Aerobics or Tennis or Polo. It's fun, you circle for 3 hours then for the next 4 hours you dance to cheesy classics and party the night away. But there is always a theme, so for this circle we had to dress as either something beginning with W or C, because the new social exec's names begin with those two letters. One girl came as Warwick Castle, which I thought was inspirational, another came as a Walkers Crisp packet, there was a World Cup, a condom, Where's Wally, clown, children complete with barbie dolls, teddy bears and exaggerated black freckles. I kept it simple as it was a last minute decision to go and went as a witch, essentially I borrowed a friend's tatty witch hat from the dozens of plays she has performed and plonked it on my head. I used the Theodora Oz palette for my eye make-up and wore all black.
I hadn't eaten before I left so I got quite tipsy quite early. I didn't do anything out of the box, but I did see this one guy that I met at the last Pop! I went to and it was incredibly awkward, considering the last time I met him I lost all my friends and had no way of getting home (regular occurrence with me, if you hadn't noticed). He was super sweet about it, willing to let me crash on his floor. But, I managed to get home in the end, and I thanked him via text and he kept asking me out and I just didn't text back hoping he would get the hint, but then he facebooked me and messaged my friend asking why I didn't reply and if she could please get  me to reply. It makes me sound like a cold-hearted bitch but I did just blank him, and pray that I never saw him again so when I did see him it was weird as fuck.
My friend and I left early to get a kebab because we were both starving, then went home to put my witch hat away (it was getting me into all sorts of trouble) we had a few shots of Baileys and then returned with the rest of our hallmates. We had a pretty decent night, but on our return one of the guys we went out with was being really awkward, I was drunk and the last time I was drunk I told him a few home-truths, again not painting me in the best light but I assure you I would say it to him sober and have frequently. I'm the kind of person that if I don't like you and you ask me I'll tell you, I feel like life is too short to be dishonest about things that in the grand scheme of things don't really matter. And I might have been drunk or sleep deprived but I am pretty sure he asked me on a date, and I think that is the most ridiculous thing considering not long ago he was chasing one of my best friends, but I must have imagined it because that is too surreal.
As posts go, that really wasn't very interesting so I apologise, thank you for reading the ramblings of a 19 year old clueless human being I am very grateful and now I am off to the post room, so my next blog can be about something other than my failure of a life. Speak soon, honey buns. Honestly, I have no idea if anyone even reads this tripe, but if just one person is reading then honestly I appreciate it. You're the best, whoever you are.

In My Shoes: Second Time

So today, quite a lot of stuff happened. Firstly, most importantly and by far the most exciting. I'M GOING TO PARIS! Me and one of my closest friends here at university impulsively started planning a trip to Paris during the Easter holidays when she was in Lithuania and I was in England. She desperately wanted this Lancel bag, and she discovered there would be a sale late June in gay Paris, and it would cost less for her to stay there, sight-see and purchase the bag than get it shipped to Lithuania. It's a fairly pricey piece of accessorising, but then the heart wants what it wants. And me, well I'll agree to anything as long as it sounds fun. But honestly, at the time I thought it was one of those things you always talk about but never wind up actually doing. I love travelling and have already been to France, it was one of the best weeks of my life, but I never visited the capital during my stay. Thanks to shows like Gossip Girl, I have fallen in love with the city without having been there, so I am so incredibly, unbelievably excited to go. We bought coach tickets and booked a hostel today, it took all of ten minutes and about £70 out of my bank account. I will be more than just broke by the end of the trip, but who cares? I was so excited, I had to order the Sigma Paris Limited Edition palette simply so I could we are it every single day we are there. Of course, when it arrives, I'll let you know my thoughts and any looks I have created that i am especially proud of. Might even do another video.
On to the next thing, typically now as we are all finished with exams we go out almost every night and tonight we opted for Kasbah which is a spacious club in Coventry. If you live near there and have never been then honestly you are missing out, not only do you get cheap drinks and plenty of different rooms with music to cater every taste but it also has the best smoking area by far. I don't smoke but so many of my friends do and it's a great way to meet new people regardless, I feel it's a bit more intimate than grinding on some stranger in a club. In Kasbah's instead of standing around aimlessly inhaling second hand smoke, you can buy drinks or pick up a delicious treat from the barbecue. Yes, barbecue, they have the best cheeseburgers ever, freshly made, onions, barbecue sauce, cheese, the lot. I always have two. Don't judge me. They are amazing. So yeah, go.
Before we left, it's customary to predrink or "prink". Honestly, I wasn't really feeling it, for me it is such an effort to get ready because it means I have to put contacts in and although sometimes it's fine, just stab stab, bam, a lot of the time it takes about 20 minutes, and I drop them or have to open another one because it just will not go in. It refuses outright. But I got ready, stabbed my eyes with my daily contacts, showered, messed up my room trying to find something to wear. I was quite lazy about it, I didn't straighten my hair, I donned patterned River Island black leggings and a cream coloured sleeveless, sheer, pearl-buttoned top which you could see my bra through but my hair covered that for the most part. I put on my make-up, totally screwed up my eyeliner so spent another ten minutes trying to fix that and failed. By that time I had given up and went downstairs to drink, because if I was going to have any chance of enjoying this night looking like a hot mess, I was going to have to be drunk.
Long story short, i did wind up having a great night actually. It took us forever to get a taxi, and we had to queue jump which was eye-wateringly expensive but we had a good night. I had two burgers, like I said, so this soaked up the alcohol and I didn't manage to get drunk. But the music and company was good, I danced like a crazy person, my hair looked tragic at the end of the night. And I met a really cute guy, a cute brown guy! Yay! I was checking him out casually while dancing and then forgot he existed as the song changed to something that had everyone twerking or tying to at least all over the shop. But then he bumped into me, and I was about to let him past, when he held my hand and asked me my name etc. He was really sweet, and not even the slightest bit drunk. So I just told him that he was cute and gave him my number, he bought me a drink but I was worried I would lose my friends so I went back, even though he insisted I dance with him. I hate giving guys the wrong impression, we didn't even kiss and that's the way I like it. I have never hooked up with anyone in a club and I don't really intend to, to be honest. It's just not my thing, I have nothing against it, but I guess I am just never the right level of drunk. I am either happy, dancing, screaming lyrics drunk (which is the most frequent) or catatonic, puking in taxis drunk (which has only happened once). I'm never gonna kiss you the life out of your mouth drunk. So that was cool, it boosted my confidence and I was on a cloud for the rest of the night. At least until he approached one of my friends later on while she was dancing next to me and whispered in her ear, and she blew him off, and I morphed into my cynical self and was like *hair flick* "Typical, what a tosser" etc. But after she blew him off, he hugged me and told me it was one of his friends that really liked her and was too chicken, I smiled and sail "Oh for a second then I was going to be insulted" but I didn't really trust him. So I asked my friend what he said, not letting on that he hit on me earlier, and she told me that he said one of his friends really likes her and the inside me was like "Yes!!".
I had a great night, I went home exhausted at about 4 in the morning and woke up with a text from him. I am not really sure what to reply yet. He told me he's travelling to South America now that his last year at university is done, so  I don't want to get too attached to his pretty brown eyes. Because they were, hand on heart, the prettiest, most lovely brown eyes I have ever seen and I'm Indian. I see a lot. More blogging soon. I love you all for reading. Thank you, my pretties and please comment, message etc.

In My Shoes: First Night

In order to celebrate my birthday, obviously I went out and as you would expect and I wore these River Island boots, they are my absolute favourite, they are so comfortable and give you a little bit of height without making it a struggle to walk like a boss. In typical Fresher fashion I had a slight YOLO attitude (and I know no-one says that anymore and they shouldn't have started) and decided to start drinking at around 2pm. I woke up with a phone call from my Mama saying Happy Birthday and ordering me to have a good day, it is the first birthday I have ever spent without my family so it was a little bit surreal.
My friends basically bought me alcohol for my birthday, or food. They know me well. I got a tall shot gloss with a personalised message on there, and many shots of vodka were consumed from that, let me tell you. I had Bailey's, orange coloured vodka, Lithuanian vodka, San Miguel, Jack Daniels, there was a quite a range. My friend Ali got me food at the local pub because he is a sweetheart and he wasn't going out with us that night.
To celebrate in true University of Warwick fashion we selected Jagermonster at Evolve in Leamington Spa, here we can get this thing called uni express which is a bus that takes you to the club at 11pm and picks you up at 3am. It's convenient and the ticket includes entry and queue jump. I drank a lot before we went and got ready obviously. I love getting ready to go out it is one of my favourite things, but my closest friend is so incredibly beautiful and she was wearing a crop top and shorts and looked stunning, her stomach is pancake flat so I didn't really see the point. Everything I tried on just wasn't up to scratch, but I found a pretty dress spent ages on my makeup trying to contour using blush, setting powder, four different eyeshadows, and testing out my new Maybelline gel liner, which incidentally is very good. I always feel slightly self conscious when I plaster myself in makeup, it's because I don't usually do it, but on nights out literally ten minutes in I'll check my reflection in the ladies and it will have disappeared or melted onto my face or something so I wanted to look nice.
I was done getting ready so I went to our common room, people sang, a cake was brought out and I was so touched because a lot of my friends still have exams so I honestly didn't expect a thing. I was just happy I had people to go out with, but then I blew out the candles and felt a little sad that I wasn't with my family. I felt like a grown up, celebrating my birthday without them. I swear, turning a year older never fails to make you philosophical.
So me, Ieva, and two guys called Brad and Dave came out. Dave is the sloppiest drunk, he actually becomes psychotic, not even lying. In the queue I hugged everyone, spoke to strangers and was friendly as fuck. I am the most affectionate drunk, I am basically me on a nice day, I smile and laugh and decide to make friends with everyone. I'm THAT drunk girl. When we get there, we chat, laugh, drink a bit more and then that is essentially all I remember. One second I was chatting to Dave and Brad and then the next I wake up in my bed, contacts still in. That's the second night in a row that I slept with my contacts still in, bad Kiran. I was still wearing my dress and tights, and my shoes were exactly like that on the floor next to my bed. My head didn't hurt, I felt really comfortable, my legs just felt strangely light when I got up to walk.
I still felt drunk until about 5pm. Though I tried to keep active, just chilling with friends, getting a bunch of stuff from the post room. I have never blacked out before and I woke up terrified of what I had done or said, because I could just feel it in my soul that I embarrassed myself, possibly even humiliated. Thanks to Facebook I got various concerned messages, the majority informing me that I was "soo drunk" and that I had passed out in the club and then in the taxi and that one off my friends thought I was going to die, and that I puked in a taxi and basically owe everyone a tonne of cash. I suck.
But on the positive side of things, I woke up and my makeup looked pretty good still, wish I had taken a picture now, promise to do so next time. Additionally, I did something I have never done before, that's not very fearless in the scheme of things but it's a start, right? From what I do remember, I had a great time and if you can't get drunk and chunder on your birthday without people giving you shit about it then when can you?

Seven Deadly Sins Beauty Tag

1. GREED: What is your most inexpensive beauty item? What is your most expensive?

My most inexpensive beauty item is Johnson’s refreshing face cleanser which is part of their face care range and cleans away impurities and all make-up, it’s incredible though, it cost two pounds at the most but it smells really wonderful and clean and leaves your face really smooth and refreshed. I really love it. I would bathe in it if I could.

My most expensive is probably my Urban Decay oz palettes I think, they cost 35 pounds each, but they are packaged so prettily and you get 8 eyeshadows in each, a saturated lip colour and a 24/7 eyeliner. I love them, the Theodora palette contains a lot of natural colours too which I don’t have and the Glinda palette has a great selection of pretty pastel and brights that are really ideal for spring and summer. And then there is the Sigma Resort palette,Ii always spend stupid amounts of money on eyeshadow palettes, they are my one weakness, that and Cookie Dough, and Galaxy chocolate and Pringles. . . Now that the sun is finally shining!

2. WRATH: What beauty products do you have a love/hate relationship with? What product has been the hardest to get?

I have a love/hate relationship with eyeliner, because I am so obsessed with watching tutorials and I always notice other girls' makeup and I think eyeliner really adds to it. Those perfect people with their rimmed eyes just look so effortless, and I can't apply it. I can't, not even normal pencil liner, or liquid or gel. I suck at it in fact. And this frustrates me, I can do my lower water line but not the top one. It really bothers me, only once have I been able to apply it and I was in shock for at least ten minutes.

As for what product has been the hardest to get, well, I watch a lot of Youtube tutorials and have just immersed myself and my debit card into all these incredible, must-have products that these Youtubers have introduced me too, and there are some palettes that I can’t get like Lorac palettes or most things from Sephora that doesn’t have a stand in Debenhams. Like Sigma products I can only get from Beauty Bay and it’s just a pain.

3. GLUTTONY: What is your most delicious beauty product?

I have this delicious tub of lip balm, it comes in a small pot and the scent is of vanilla and cream, it also tastes amazing as well as giving a good shine to your lips. I have ran out of the tub, but I got it as part of a gift set a few Christmases ago with vanilla and cream scented everything, it was so good. Good times, man, good times. But then, I very recently bought coconut scented oil a couple of days ago and have literally just been rubbing it into my skin every ten minutes, it smells incredible. I think I am addicted, need to stock up.

4. SLOTH: What beauty product do you neglect, due to laziness?

I never tend to wear full-on makeup in my every day life, I always wear mascara, eye shadow, and sometimes I apply foundation or a tinted BB cream. So I can skip a lot, especially contouring I rarely apply blusher because with my brown skintone I think you have to find the right shade so you don't look like an idiotic clown, and I only recently bought a bronzer.

5. PRIDE: What beauty product gives you the most self-confidence?

It honestly depends on the day, I think foundation can give you confidence, but usually I hate the idea of a layer of something thick on my skin, so I tend to go for the lighter coverage ones. I love eyeshadow, it adds a bit of colour to my face, because my entire self is just varying shades of brown minus the black hair, I love playing around with eye makeup and mascara of course is a must. I think all in all, it definitely the lashes, I curl and comb through my lashes before applying mascara and that makes me feel a lot better about my appearance.

6. LUST: What attributes do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?

Erm, tall, funny, I really think being just funny and goofy and kind can make someone really attractive, so sense of humour is really important. I like guys who are quite open and easy to talk to, I hate being the one who has to keep the conversation going, I like guys who just have things to say and are interesting, and of course being hot and intelligent helps. Being Ryan Gosling would help even more :)

7.ENVY: What items would you most like to receive as a gift?

Well, that’s kind of a weird question, I’m not very hard to buy for, I don’t mind fragrances. I would quite like a good solid pack of make up brushes, because mine are all jumbled, so I would like a nice varied set of say every brush you could ever even think of. But then my sister got a whole lot of makeup for her birthday from one of our recently married cousins, and they were really cute she got little eyeshadow palettes and creamy lipsticks and mascara, so anything really. Anything. I’m not like my Dad you won’t have to spend an entire afternoon in Debenhams trying to find me a gift!.

Why am I so obsessed with Fashion and Beauty?

Unlike some people, I only relatively recently began to get into beauty in a serious way, it wasn't something that clicked from the moment I was born, it wasn't an innate drive rather for the first fourteen to fifteen years of my life I couldn't have cared less. When I was younger, I wasn't a tomboy exactly, all this materialistic stuff just didn't interest me in the slightest. The clothes I wore were all a variation on a theme: jeans, T-shirt, jumper. I never wore nail varnish, unless I went to a wedding because they were considered a special occasion. At school, right through up until secondary (high) school, we were required to wear uniforms, so again I had little reason to be bothered about fashion and what was on-trend and wasn't. In addition to this, I was quite a shy child at school, I simply preferred to be invisible so I would wear little make-up and always have my hair in a plain and simple plait or ponytail because I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I always felt that any scrutiny was bad scrutiny, this, of course, was before I discovered the genius of Oscar Wilde.

When I entered Sixth Form, it was the same situation, I had started to wear eyeshadow and mascara, because they were the easiest types of makeup to apply, but on most days I wouldn't bother, I didn't think that makeup application would make too much of a difference and I didn't want people to notice me because of the pretty glittery eyeshadow on my lids, I would rather they think I am pretty based on natural beauty and this is still true. There's a negative perception that people who are superficial enough to grant such importance to clothes and cosmetics are vain and shallow, when I think it should be stressed that just one part doesn't make the whole.

But one day, in the summer of my first year at Sixth Form (that would be junior year for Americans) my sister and I had planned a day out in London, a girly day full of shopping and seeing the sights; we had very high expectations. Naturally, being Britain it was on top form that day and rained constantly, so we spent the majority of it looking for places to hang out inside. So after going to M&M World (one of my favourite places to date) and ambling down Covent Garden, splurging in Harrods and finding this adorable tea shop with every single tea known to mankind, we spent at least three hours in Selfridges. We walked through each designer department staring at the glossy bags with security alarms that would cost more than two months rent until we reached the beauty department. It is ginormous. And I absolutely loved it.

All around us were long legged, perfectly waxed, tanned and made-up Amazonian women, with an arsenal of make up brushes strapped around their tiny waists. These make-up artists looked like models and my self esteem just deflated as I looked on with awe. They were perfect, and though I knew it was essentially expertly applied make-up that had allowed them to hide their flaws, if they even had any, I was still envious of their flawless finish.

So after this incredible day out, which was more fun than I could have imagined, I started to pay more attention to what I wore. Bearing in mind I was still lazy so I never put a full face of slap on and sometimes I didn't apply anything, but I did pay more attention to what clothes I donned, I became addicted to nail varnish, I love it and tend to match it to my mood rather than my clothes. And then I discovered a little thing called YouTube and started watching all these different make-up tutorials and gradually got more interested and started to buy more of the products, especially eye shadow paletttes.

I'm not rich or even well-off, my parents won't pay for my indulgences and I respect them for that, so everything I buy is either a product of my own hard-earned money or saved up cash or the miracle that is student finance. So if I don't post new products, or things from MAC and other high-end brands like YSL it's because some of us are still feeling the recession. Thanks for reading and I will post again soon.