My Absence and Apologies

Hello, I haven't posted much recently and I feel I should explain. I am terribly sorry but it's been a tough time for both me and my family as just a few days ago my uncle passed away. He was my Mom's brother and in my culture I would call him Mama so that's what I am going to refer to him by, as to me calling him uncle sounds impersonal. He was a great man and loved by many. He was sick for a long time, five years ago we were given forty eight hours and look how much longer he survived. That's proof their that he was a fighter.

Although, given the nature of his condition it shouldn't be a shock that he's no longer with us, it still is a massive blow to the system. I can't imagine going to my cousin's house and him not being there cracking jokes, taking the piss and bemoaning his restricted diet. It hasn't fully sunk in. 

Even though I myself am not crazily close to him I didn't see and speak to him every day but he was still in my thoughts as were his family and I think I took it for granted that he would survive this illness. He had already for an incredible amount of time. He wasn't perfect I know plenty of people who could attest to that he hurt people and sometimes even treated people badly but I have no doubt that he helped a lot more. He managed to stay positive right to the end which shows how brave and lovely he was. Because even though he was in so much pain I know he never let the true extent of his suffering show with thought for his family. He always put them first and for that he will always have my unconditional respect. And now that he's gone my family isn't complete anymore, all future occasions his absence will register and make people sad. It breaks my heart to see my grandparents cry they are such amazing people and they have lost their son. I can't think of anything more unnatural. And seeing his family and the way they are coping is making my throat tight. I love them all and hope sincerely that my Mama is now watching over us and enjoying his next life. 

The next few weeks will be dedicated to him so I won't be posting much, his funeral is on Saturday and I don't think I will be up to much chatting about my purchases and stuff. I am sorry if I am letting you down. I hope to get back to this soon as we all know life moves on and you can't dwell on everything bad that happens he wouldn't want that and neither do I. Thank you for understanding. 

Birthday Time!

Truthfully, I have never really cared for birthdays, they are fun and you get cake and people are nice to you, that's all well and good but essentially you're just a day older than you were the day before and a day younger than you will be the day after. Age, now at least, doesn't seem to mean anything. I have never been fond of being at the centre of attention and I prefer to just slink away quietly in the corner and watch everyone else enjoy the spotlight. That's not about to change. I am 19 years old today and a little part of me is freaking out, it's as if every time I blink I get closer and closer to 20 and I hate it. It's not the ageing process that scares me, it's the fact that the years are just passing by so quickly and as I gain years I don't seem to gain maturity. Your birthday is like New Year's it's a chance to do stuff again, to start over and be a better version of yourself. But each and every time either of these milestones occur I always fail, when I got to university the first thing I wanted to do was reinvent myself, be the person I have always aspired to be, but pretty soon after the first week I felt myself slip back into old habits, it's just difficult to maintain a certain amount of effort at all times. I'm lazy. Might as well just admit it.

I think the predominant issue with this is that whenever I want to be or do something different it's always surface stuff, it involves spending and essentially is just a by-product of low self-esteem. Everyone has days when they feel a little bit low and can't help comparing themselves to their prettier, slimmer, funnier, smarter friends and it's horrible to feel like you are never going to match up. It's quite bold of me to say: I'm done with that, because in all honestly I don't think I'll ever be. I like pretty things and pretty (inside and out, I am not a shallow bitch who chooses her friends purely based on their looks) people, I wouldn't be friends with them if they didn't have great qualities. I have countlessly looked in the mirror and disliked what I saw, nobody is perfect and it seems as though everyone wants what they can't have.

Back to the task in hand though, I'm 19 and my exams are finished. I am still young, single and moderately sexy, and it's time for yet again another reinvention. My fresher's year is coming to an end and I have three weeks of stress-free fun in the sun (fingers crossed) so instead of overhauling my appearance, losing weight, purchasing the newest foundation or any of those other things that I would usually do to make myself feel better. Instead, this time, I am going to change my state of mind, it is time to be fearless and a little bit daring.
One of my close friends has always said to me that if you have the slightest bit of doubt or discomfort about something then don't do it, and I wholeheartedly agree with that. On the other hand, if you want to do something and you get that excited "I shouldn't but I really want to" fluttery feeling that kleptomaniacs get when they lift a nail varnish from Boots then I say go for it. Obviously, I am not talking anything illegal or harmful, I am not going to start dropping acid or going to orgies in the wood, fear not. But I do intend to do one thing every day without caring of the consequences, I want to maximise the amount of fun I have in the next three years because even if I have to retake my first year it won't be the same.

So for the next three weeks I will post an "In Her Shoes" profile, they'll be my shoes and they will probably be in terrible condition and if I can get a decent picture I'll include my outfit. And yes, I got the idea from Ugly Betty, I know it's finished but I am just so obsessed with this show, I could watch it all day, every day.


 In addition to this, I'll blog about my day and my new fearless attitude. Honestly, this will probably only last a week, because I only have so many shoes, but I'll keep you updated anyhow.

So Happy Birthday to me . . . Happy Birthday to me . . . and now for my first post before I have a long hot shower, hot because I am in it. Thank you for reading, if even one person is interested in this it would make my year. Please comment, get in touch, any and all feedback is welcomed.

Why am I so obsessed with Fashion and Beauty?

Unlike some people, I only relatively recently began to get into beauty in a serious way, it wasn't something that clicked from the moment I was born, it wasn't an innate drive rather for the first fourteen to fifteen years of my life I couldn't have cared less. When I was younger, I wasn't a tomboy exactly, all this materialistic stuff just didn't interest me in the slightest. The clothes I wore were all a variation on a theme: jeans, T-shirt, jumper. I never wore nail varnish, unless I went to a wedding because they were considered a special occasion. At school, right through up until secondary (high) school, we were required to wear uniforms, so again I had little reason to be bothered about fashion and what was on-trend and wasn't. In addition to this, I was quite a shy child at school, I simply preferred to be invisible so I would wear little make-up and always have my hair in a plain and simple plait or ponytail because I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I always felt that any scrutiny was bad scrutiny, this, of course, was before I discovered the genius of Oscar Wilde.

When I entered Sixth Form, it was the same situation, I had started to wear eyeshadow and mascara, because they were the easiest types of makeup to apply, but on most days I wouldn't bother, I didn't think that makeup application would make too much of a difference and I didn't want people to notice me because of the pretty glittery eyeshadow on my lids, I would rather they think I am pretty based on natural beauty and this is still true. There's a negative perception that people who are superficial enough to grant such importance to clothes and cosmetics are vain and shallow, when I think it should be stressed that just one part doesn't make the whole.

But one day, in the summer of my first year at Sixth Form (that would be junior year for Americans) my sister and I had planned a day out in London, a girly day full of shopping and seeing the sights; we had very high expectations. Naturally, being Britain it was on top form that day and rained constantly, so we spent the majority of it looking for places to hang out inside. So after going to M&M World (one of my favourite places to date) and ambling down Covent Garden, splurging in Harrods and finding this adorable tea shop with every single tea known to mankind, we spent at least three hours in Selfridges. We walked through each designer department staring at the glossy bags with security alarms that would cost more than two months rent until we reached the beauty department. It is ginormous. And I absolutely loved it.

All around us were long legged, perfectly waxed, tanned and made-up Amazonian women, with an arsenal of make up brushes strapped around their tiny waists. These make-up artists looked like models and my self esteem just deflated as I looked on with awe. They were perfect, and though I knew it was essentially expertly applied make-up that had allowed them to hide their flaws, if they even had any, I was still envious of their flawless finish.

So after this incredible day out, which was more fun than I could have imagined, I started to pay more attention to what I wore. Bearing in mind I was still lazy so I never put a full face of slap on and sometimes I didn't apply anything, but I did pay more attention to what clothes I donned, I became addicted to nail varnish, I love it and tend to match it to my mood rather than my clothes. And then I discovered a little thing called YouTube and started watching all these different make-up tutorials and gradually got more interested and started to buy more of the products, especially eye shadow paletttes.

I'm not rich or even well-off, my parents won't pay for my indulgences and I respect them for that, so everything I buy is either a product of my own hard-earned money or saved up cash or the miracle that is student finance. So if I don't post new products, or things from MAC and other high-end brands like YSL it's because some of us are still feeling the recession. Thanks for reading and I will post again soon.