Self-esteem. A bit of a personal rant.

Hello there, my sweethearts, I know I promised to continue Paris but writing about it and looking over all the pictures is making me pitifully nostalgic if I could beam myself back there I would. In a heartbeat. However, I promise to finish it and all some lovely, atmospheric snaps, cross my heart. In the meantime, I thought I would just fill you in with what is going on in my head today. My mind over the past few days has been preoccupied mostly with envy and body-image.

As you all know I have just started a YouTube channel and it scares the absolute crap out of me, all of my self-esteem issues have suddenly just rushed to the fore and I am scared people will rip me to shreds. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there so I admire anyone who can do it with the confidence and grace I have seen from some YouTubers. I look upon you with awe. And envy.

I am sure we all get it, when you're scrolling through your news feed, or passing people by in the street or even when you're having a much-needed catch-up with your friends. At least for me, I am not ashamed to admit that I get a little jealous sometimes, not in a cruel way, but I have constantly been the type of person who sees one good thing in everybody. You name any person on the planet and I would be able to find a good quality or feature that I could ascribe to them and that's not due to being born in a cripplingly polite household (the opposite actually) but simply because I believe it. I might have high standards when it comes to looks but I have never found anybody on the planet, even those few people that I dislike, ugly.

Getting back on topic though, as a psychologist, this envy intrigues me greatly. It baffles me when I realise other people feel it too. For me, because I know my own mind better than anyone else's, I can to an extent pinpoint my issues. I have always been insecure, whether it be because I wear glasses, or am naturally shy, and not nearly as confident as the people I surround myself with I genuinely have no idea. I just know that when I look in the mirror, I don't think there is a single part of me I wouldn't change if I could. I am not talking anything drastic, I would never go under the knife for fear they would muck up irreversibly and I would end up with half a nose or something. Rather, little things, like my elder sister has really big eyes, lovely, bold and brown, and they are the first things you would notice about her. I have always been a little envious of this, and in the same vein my little brother has outrageously long eyelashes which I would love to be the owner of myself. It takes me several coats of Chanel mascara to have the same effect.

You see, they aren't big things and I know it's been reiterated that as humans we are simply programmed to want what we can't have at all times, but I am not buying it. I feel like I have met people who seem perfectly comfortable and at home in their skin and that is a feeling I envy most of all. When you think of all the time wasted wishing you were someone else with clearer skin, bigger eyes, longer lashes and legs, it's actually quite ludicrous. I have no idea how to change it though, whenever I am depressed I seem to dwell on these things and of course I get a little upset until in despair when I come to the realisation over and over again that lamenting it isn't going to change anything I get fed up and declare that I am over it.

This bugs me, this endless cycle, because I know I wasn't always like this, as a child I was as uninterested in looks as my father is in MAC cosmetics, I couldn't have cared less, I thought it was obscene the amount of money people fritter away carelessly on fancy designer garments and high-end cosmetics. Evidently all this has changed and I think it's quite beautiful in a way, the confidence a lipstick or mascara can give you, yes it's superficial but if it makes you feel good and you aren't hurting anyone, what is the harm. No one can begrudge you that happiness, temporary though it may be. I got to the point where I was ruminating over how unexpected my shift in attitude towards appearance altered so drastically and I think I finally pinpointed it.

 One day in class, I was about nine or ten years olds. The teacher asked us to write five things we liked about ourselves, at this time I was already having trouble. I have always been smart, not so much now, but as a kid the simple stuff like fractions and addition, multiplication, reading etc came as easy to me as breathing so I tended to find school quite boring. I wasn't gifted or anything, I just spent a lot of time with my older sister and it seemed to have paid off without either of us noticing. Around this time my Great Grandfather died and although it wasn't utterly unexpected considering his age it knocked me for six, this was the first time I had ever been confronted with mortality and it terrified me. I just wanted to know where he was and I started to get a little anxious and restless at school so I would usually just stay at home or go to my Nan's when I could. This day though I was there, and at first I struggled to complete the assignment, but eventually I wrote down a few things, like my hair and teeth, my eyes were okay but I didn't have good eyesight so I reluctantly put that down as my third thing. And then I was stuck, hopelessly stuck, I just couldn't think of anything, it was pathetic but I was having a serious crisis of confidence. It wasn't just aesthetics, I couldn't name anything I liked about my personality either and it shattered what little self-liking I had.

I know now that's silly, but at the time it felt like a major deal and as soon as I got home I hid under my Dad's arm reassuring myself that it didn't matter if I was unattractive and uninteresting my parents loved me unconditionally. Luckily as I grew up, I started to notice that other people had their own confidence issues, everyone has areas which they are not totally pleased with, that is just life. I can't say I won't ever feel that way again, because as an insomniac I think obsessively when I can't sleep and just start listing things I want to change or improve about myself as a person and on one hand that is good, it pushes me to keep becoming a better person because I know I could do so much more. But on the darker hand, it can sometimes be soul destroying and extinguish any love you have for yourself. It can be positive to be critical but don't over do it.

I have never in my life wholly admitted to someone even the people closest to me in this world about my self esteem issues. Once when I was drunk in the first term of university and upset about something I spoke to a good friend a little about it and she basically told me I was being ridiculous. That was good in the sense it made me snap out of it, I liked her and wanted her to be my friend so I just brushed whatever was bothering me under the carpet I didn't want her to think I was making stuff up for attention or that I was pathetic (which admittedly after reading this post I am starting to feel like it haha). But alternatively, we meet so many people and judge them instantly. Label them as people who have always got what they wanted and have never had anything bad happen to them at all. And that is what is ridiculous, someone tweeted me saying that "The brightest smiles often hold the saddest secrets" which is a more poetic way of saying "Don't judge a book by its cover". Everyone's feelings are valid.

So please, promise me, that if anyone ever confides in you about anything to do with their body-image or self-esteem or really anything personal, just hear them out. Sometimes all anyone needs is someone who will listen and maybe offer up a hug and a hot drink afterwards. It's not hard. And remember that even though maybe you don't like what you have, someone out there will. We are all unique and are tastes are so varied, so in the end everything will be okay and if i have depressed you immensely with my tirade please watch an episode of The Simpsons and just forget I ever said anything. Thank you guys.

Online Shopping Addict: How to Become a Savvy Online Shopper

For some inexplicable reason ever since I have gotten to university, I seem to have gained a new addition to amplify my addictive personality. It's nothing to cause major concern, I have a, what I believe to be normal, relationship with alcohol for a student at least, I haven't tried any dangerous, mind altering drugs. But online shopping gets me every single time. On a whim, I'll casually open a few new tabs in my browser and type the magic words: H&M, River Island, TopShop, Miss Selfridges, ASOS, New Look, Zara, Urban Outfitters, getthelabel.com, bohoo.com, missguided.com. And the next thing I know I have ten new parcels en route to me in the post, to the point where when they arrive I have no recollection of what I selected to buy.

The problem with this is, it's not very savvy and it is expensive. I buy things whimsically, if they look nice and pretty I'll purchase: I am the ultimate consumer. But, more often than not, I make mistakes, things that look good on the model wouldn't suit me as much, I absolutely hate it when that happens, or even though the product is lovely it is ridiculously expensive (cough cough TopShop) and I would only wear it a limited amount of times, I'm not Millie Mackintosh if I went to lectures in Boutique dresses I would get stared at for all the wrong reasons. So this is a helpful  guideline, I hope, on how to become a savvy online shopper.

1. Use online outlets to browse the sales specifically. As there is usually a much wider range than what you would see in store.

2. Set yourself a price limit, in the advanced search you can cap how much you are willing to spend on merchandise, I tend to cap at around £20, but depending on the shop i.e. TopShop and Miss Se
lfridges, the good stuff in those collections are around £40.

3. One word: ASOS. I love this website, it has so many different brands. I have recently started using ASOS Marketplace and got two pairs of fabulous boots. One TopShop pair that would have cost £90 but I got for £30 and a tan pair from New Look which would have cost £20 but I got for £6!

4. Ebay is also great, learning how to use it is something I would definitely recommend  After all, everyone has clothes they don't wear anymore instead of chucking them away, donate them or give them to one of those Cash for Clothes companies, if you're not going to try and sell them.

5. Always envision how your potential purchase would look on you, would it suit your skin tone? Is it a flattering length? Do you have anything to wear it with in your wardrobe already? If you don't have the funds to buy a whole knew outfit, then really is it worth it? If it's just going to sit in your wardrobe not collecting compliments then leave it, your money could be better spent.

6. Do take consideration of weather, fair enough if you're going on holiday and you want to buy your body weight in gorgeous tropical print bikinis, but every year i get suckered into buying summer collections, since March I have been filling closet space with crop tops and flirty summer dresses and shorts and have I had a chance to wear a single one. No. Be smart and realistic.

7. Always go for clothes that can be staples, clothes you can dress down or up and will be versatile. For me those are leggings, oversized jumpers, shirts and skater dresses. I love all of them and practically live in them, they are so versatile and can be adapted to warm or cold weather.

8. Before you go surfing those high-priced brands (my personal favourite being All Saints and Ted Baker) look for similar alternatives in other exclusively online stores like Very and bohoo. I sometimes find great websites when flicking through a magazine.

9. Keep your student card handy and always check if there is a discount code for that day, Dorothy Perkins usually have discounts quite frequently at least that is what my mail tells me. So check it, you'll kick yourself later on when you realise how much you could have saved.

10. Finally check the returns policy, if you're unsure about an item and you still insist on buying it, check on how you could return it and when you would have to return it by, is there a store near you? That is why ASOS is so great, it's free postage and packaging when you return their items so if you're not sure just send it back no muss no fuss. All Saints is harder, the only store, as far as I know, is in London and as they don't allow you to return online purchases in Selfridges, for me it's a bitch to return any items so I have to think long and hard before I buy especially considering the price tags.

That was quite an extensive list, I apologise if a lot of it felt like common sense, and I really hope it helps even a little bit. For me on my list, the first thing is to take my own advice, but then I suppose you learn from your mistakes, and now I can pass on my "lessons" to all you wonderful people. To leave you with one last piece of recycled advice from Confessions of A Shopaholic, repeat after me "Do I need this? Do I?" and of course remember there is always Primark. The most bargainous shop of all, seriously if you can't trust yourself online go to Primark. The day they get an online store, I will be transported into figurative heaven. Thank you for reading and please comment, if there is in fact anyone out there. I'll upload some pictures of my fantastic bargainous purchases in my next post.